A Step-By-Step Guide to Monster-Making!
Lets face it. In today's society, monsters are all the rage. If you don't have a monster, you're a loser. However, many people don't know how to get their own monster. Easy. Just buy one from your local Monsters R' Us. However, it is so much more satisfying to make your own.
Below is a list of methods for monster-creation.
1. The Radioactive Animal Procedure
This method is ideal if you happen to have easy access to radioactive waste. It's also a nice method if you happen to be rich and can afford to buy such products on the black market. This has been a favorite method of mad scientists for quite some time. Simply spill some chemicals on the animal and, with luck, it will grow to a ridiculous size and start attacking anything that moves! If you're not in luck, the animal will die a horribly gruesome death. But don't let that get you down! Just keep spilling chemicals until you have a giant monster. Or until you die of radiation poisoning.
2. The Frankenstein Method
This is also popular with mad scientists. Simply gather together a bunch of dead body parts. Got them? Good. Now, sew them together! Done? Excellent! Now that you have your abominable cadaver, you can apply enough electric shock to kill a man to the body. Your monster will spring to life! This is actually quite logical. Think about it. If living things die as a result of electricity, then it's only natural that dead things live as a result of it!
3. "Jason's Gamble"
If you're not a mad scientist, then you may want to consider this one. It's easy. Just become a camp counselor for some summer camp. Then wait for an ugly kid to start drowning in the lake. Instead of saving him, have sex with an attractive co-worker. Then, after the kid has drowned, his mother will show up and kill you all. However, she will be stopped by that one teenage girl who has remained a virgin. After the mother is dead, the ugly kid will arise from the watery depths and seek out horrible vengeance on all sexually promiscuous teens! Of course, this method involves you dying, but hey, no plan is perfect.
Hopefully, I've helped you out here. Keep at it, and you'll have a monster in no time!